Marriage Guidance & Istikharah
Last Updated on Monday, 10 January 2011 18:11
Question:
Assalamu Alaikum,
I would really appreciate some advice for a difficult situation I am currently in and struggling to reach a conclusion for. I am currently engaged to be a married, to a suitable and respectable man. I am UK based, and he currently is too, but his family live abroad. We were planning to marry at some point in 2011 and live in the UK, but he has now started to feel he needs to be with his family and does not want to live in UK any more, he wants me to move back home with him. However, after careful consideration this is something I don't feel comfortable to do, as all my family are here, my job, friends and also I do not currently speak his native language.
Am I wrong to feel this way? Would it be considered wrong for me to decide to part instead of moving abroad?
Also, I would like to enquire about 'dua Istikhara'. Everyone tells me you have to follow your instincts and guidance from Allah about what to decide to do, but its a very hard situation I am in and I am struggling to gain any enlightenment. I wanted to pray istikhara for some guidance on the matter and what Allah thinks is best for me, but I prayed a couple of times around 2-3 months ago and had no clarity on the matter. I am worried that maybe I did not perform it correctly. Please could you advise me as to HOW I should carry out Istikhara (the process I should follow) and what kind of signs I should look out for?
Many, many thanks
Anna
Answer:
Salaam sister
Many thanks for your queries. In response to your first query that concerns marriage, the Islamic Shariah has not specifically addressed this issue, hence forth, I am unable to provide an answer from a religious basis. Albeit I can give my personal views on the issue.
My understanding is that you accepted the marriage proposal under the impression that you will be living in UK after marriage. In my personal opinion, you are entitled to break your engagement prior to marriage, legally, morally and religiously (the religion is silent on this issue), if the conditions and circumstances that you had mutually agreed have altered. However, I am sure you realize that whatever decision you take, it is a major decision and has significant consequences.
I would suggest that you openly discuss your concerns with your fiance. It is possible that after becoming aware of your reservations he may alter his plans. Whilst he may miss his family and want to live close to them, he needs to be conscious of your happiness and needs as well. I would also suggest that prior to committing to marriage, if it is mandatory that you have to live abroad, please ensure that you visit the country and at least sample what the future may entail. You must be clear in your mind that you are absolutely clear about what the life style will be and you are willing to accept it.
In answer to your query about the prayer of Istikharah, in the opinion of our scholars, the Arabic word Istikharah means to ask God for whatever is good and in our best interest. God has given man the faculty of reasoning. He should take his decisions in the light of the apparent pros and cons of the alternative choices. The concept of Istikharah does not imply that we should wait for signs from God in taking our decisions; it only means that we should take our decisions and do whatever we think is right and then ask God that if our decision is the correct one, He should help us in carrying it out and making our plans successful, while if it is not the correct one, He should then alter the circumstances in such a way that we do not implement our decision, and that He should provide satisfaction to our heart in doing so. It does not have anything in it that suggests that the person asking God for the good shall be given a sign in any dream.
Of course this does not rule out the possibility that the person might see a sign (in a dream or otherwise) that guides him towards the correct decision but this - seeing a sign - is not really the purpose of the prayer of Istikharah. If you felt that despite reading the prayer of Istikharah your heart is not yet in peace about what you want to do then I suggest you keep reading it on a regular basis till you either reach that peaceful state or until the issue no longer applies.
I enclose a few links from our sister web sites that further clarify this issue.
http://www.understanding-islam.com/related/text.aspx?type=question&qid=786
http://www.understanding-islam.com/related/text.aspx?type=question&qid=733
http://www.understanding-islam.com/related/text.aspx?type=question&qid=1567
If you still have any queries please do not hesitate to write back to us.
Best regards
Waseem Aslam
UIUK Web Team
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Many thanks for your query. The issue of Istikhara and marriage has been discussed in a related question which is on the web site. In particular, please have a read of the links from related sister web sites in the response. I enclose the link
http://www.understanding-islam.org.uk/qaa/ethics-a-morality/marriage-guidance-a-istikharah.html
If you still have any further queries please do not hesitate to contact us again.
Best regards
Waseem Aslam
UIUK web team
My son got engaged to a girl after doing the istiharah and getting a positive sign but now he doesnt want to marry her as they dont get on any more but feels traped that hes going against the sign from allah what is your advice in this matter many thanks
Mohammed
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