Do I Marry Him?

Hi
I like a muslim guy. I like him because of his patient and accepting personality.We want to have a nikah because he insists on having physical contact and i dont want to lose him by saying no. We both cant tell our parents about our nikah because we are both studying at university and parents want us finishing our education before we get a nikah. In that case however we would be meeting and touching each other against the will of God which I dont want to do. After 2 years we pretend to our parents that we are now ready for the nikah wheras in reality we would have had the nikah for 2 years.At that time if my dad tells me not to get married to him for whatever reason I plan to get divorced. For I do want my parents to be happy with the person I marry. Are these course of actions OK Islamically? If there is a possibility of a divorce ahead should i go ahead with this nikah now?

Assalamu Alaykum,

Respected sister, I am usually reluctant to answer such personal questions for two reasons: a. they are about the application of Islamic rules in a very specific case rather than about Islamic rules themselves. b. they are about personal circumstances of which I only have a very little and brief information.

I however respect your trust to us and try my best to provide you with my view based on the limited information that is provided (and this does not mean that we expect to receive more information as we appreciate that the matter is a private matter).

In principle, one of the main factors that differentiates marriage from adultery (in particular in a society that follows Abrahamic religions), is the fact that marriage is announced publicly while adultery is usually hidden from the public. Because of this, "secret marriage" is not a self consistent concept. On the other hand, as a matter of respect and more importantly to ensure that there will be no issues after the marriage and to safeguard the new family, in normal circumstances the couple are advised to get their parents consent for the marriage. This of course is not a legal requirement but is a very valid cultural and social norm that should not be missed unless there are very good reasons for it.

The above are the religious rules and concepts related to marriage that have application in your personal case. I now try to share some of my thoughts about your circumstances:

You say you know a Muslim that you like because of his patience and personality. You say this man likes to have physical contact with you and therefore you want to do Nikah. You say you cannot say no because you do not want to lose him. Your parents want you to wait till the end of your education. You intend to marry this person without your parents knowing and to lie to your parents about it (or not revealing the full truth). You intend to get divorce from the man if your Dad does not permit you at the time.

I intentionally gave a brief of what you put in your question trying to show you how inconsistent and unreliable this whole scenario is.

A number of questions came to my mind:

a. If patience is one of the things you like about this boy, then how come he cannot wait till the end of your studies?
b. You like the personality of the boy. This indicates that he has a good personalty. Then how come he might leave you if you say "no" to his demand to have Nikah in order to have physical contact?
c. If he is really "the one" for you, don't you think that he should have enough patience and wisdom to wait till the end of your education and not demand any physical contact during this time while passionately caring for you and waiting for the appropriate time?
d. You are caring enough about your father that you say you would demand divorce if he later does not permit you to marry. Are you prepared to lie to him till the end of your education and then do a role play later when you ask for his permission?
e. Can you guarantee that during your physical contact nothing will happen that then makes the hiding the fact and the possible divorce impossible?
f. Can you guarantee that the boy will give you a divorce if you ask him later?
g. Are you sure that there will be absolutely no way that your father realises that you had married him or had physical contact with him before?

All the above add such uncertainty to your situation that it only helps us understand why the aforementioned religious rules need to be in place. Accordingly, my answer to your question that whether this is religiously okay is: "No".

My dear sister, the religious rules are there not to disturb our desires but to make sure that we, our loved ones and our society will remain healthy, pure and in peace. They are not dry and mechanical rules, they are based on wisdom that every wise person (once understanding it) will agree with it.

Think about it this way:

You do not want to disobey your lord and your father by secret marriage. Ask the boy to be patient and to wait for the appropriate time. Consider this as a test for his personality. I can guarantee sister that if he is a sort of person who cannot wait and for that reason wants to leave you or to commit sin, then he is definitely not "the one" for you.

Regards

Abdullah Rahim
UIUK

16th of July 2010

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