Norms of Gender Interaction

Javed Ahmed Ghamidi

Translated by Shehzad Saleem from 'Mizan'

 
In order to protect the society from moral misconduct and to safeguard the sanctity of personal relationships, the above quoted verses outline the norms and etiquette of gender interaction. They are stated in Sūrah Nūr with the warning that these norms of social interaction and communal contact must be adhered to in order to maintain the purity of heart and are the most appropriate set of principles in this matter. If people follow these norms, they will obtain the great blessings and favours they entail. However, to obtain these, it is essential that they follow these norms while regarding the Almighty to be all embracing in knowledge and always remain aware of the fact that the Almighty is not only aware of their deeds but also the intentions and motives behind them.
 
These norms are:
 
1. If friends, relatives or acquaintances visit one another, they should follow a certain decorum. Suddenly barging into a house without introducing one’s self is improper. The visitor should first of all properly introduce himself by paying salutations to the residents of the house. This will make the residents aware of the visitor, provide them with the opportunity to determine the purpose of his visit and whether it is appropriate for them to let him in. If the visitor hears a reply to his salutations and is given permission, only then should he enter. If there is no one present in the house to give him permission or if someone is present and the visitor is told on his behalf that meeting him is not possible, he should retreat without any feelings of ill-will.
 
In this regard, while explaining this directive, the Prophet (sws) has directed the visitor to seek permission three times and if he hears no reply even after his third call, he should turn back.⁶⁸
 
Similarly, the Prophet (sws) is reported to have said that the permission to enter must not be sought by standing right at the front door of the house and while peeping in because the very reason for seeking permission is that the visitor should not catch a glimpse of the residents.⁶⁹
 

2. In case the visited place is non-residential, no formal permission is required. The Qur’ān uses the words  بُيُوتًا غَيْرَ مَسْكُونَةٍ  for such places. They include hotels, rest houses, guest houses, shops, offices and meeting places. A person can enter such places because of some need without seeking permission as per the dictates of this verse.

 
3. In both types of visited places, if women are present then the divine directive is that both the men and women present should restrain their gazes. The words used for this directive are يَغُضُّوا مِنْ أَبْصَارِهِمْ. If there is modesty in the gazes, and men and women refrain from feasting their eyes on the physical attributes of one another and ogling each other, then no doubt the purport of the directive stands fulfilled. The expression غَضِّ بَصَرْ does not mean that men and women have to constantly stare at the floor while interacting with one another. It means to guard one’s gaze from taking undue liberty and to refrain from staring at one another. If this vigil on the eyes is not kept, then in the words of the Prophet (sws), this would be tantamount to adultery of the eyes. Once a person indulges in it, his sexual organ either fulfills the ultimate objective of what his eyes initiated or is unable to do so.⁷⁰ It is regarding this first accidental gaze about which the Prophet (sws) has directed the believers to turn away.
 
Barīdah (rta) reports that the Prophet (sws) told ‘Alī (rta): “O ‘Ali! One must not follow up one’s first glance by a second one because the first glance shall be forgiven while the second not.”⁷¹
 
Jarīr Ibn ‘Abdullāh reports that he asked from the Prophet (sws): “What if such a glance takes place suddenly?” The Prophet (sws) replied: “Immediately turn it away or lower it.”⁷²
 
Once during the Prophet’s farewell pilgrimage when a lady from the Khath‘am tribe stopped the Prophet (sws) on his way, Faḍl Ibn ‘Abbās started to stare at her. When the Prophet (sws) saw him, he caught hold of his face and turned it to the other side.⁷³

4. One must properly cover one’s sexual organs on such occasions of interaction. The expression employed by the Qur’ān is حِفْظُ الفُرُوْج. At various instances in the Qur’ān, this expression is used to connote “abstinence from indulgence in inappropriate sexual activity”. However, it is evident from both the context in which it is used and the way it is used that in the above quoted verses this expression implies that men and women must properly cover their sexual organs. The purpose of the directive is that on occasions of gender intermingling body parts which need to be covered must be covered even more carefully. The primary way to achieve this end is to wear decent clothes. Men and women should wear such clothes which not only hide the ornaments worn but also the sexual organs. Moreover, on such occasions, care should be taken that a person does not expose his sexual organs. This is the very objective of ḥifz al-furūj. The Qur’ān wants that believing men and women besides restraining their eyes also observe this norm of modesty.
 

Except limbs which a person does not cover generally and instinctively and they are always left bare.⁷⁴

 
Relatives and people of acquaintance before which the above mentioned display of ornaments is not forbidden are:

 
i. Husband
 
ii. Father
 
iii. Father-in-law
 

For the latter two relations, the word used by the Qur’ān is آبَا (āba). This word not only implies the father but also the paternal and maternal uncles and grandfathers. Therefore, a lady can display her ornaments before adults of both her maternal and paternal family and those of her husband’s just as she can before her father and father-in-law.

 
iv. Sons
 
v. Sons of the Husband
 
vi. Brothers
 
vii. Brothers’ Sons
 
viii. Sisters’ Sons
 

The word “son” implies the grand and great grand sons, both maternal and paternal ones. The same implies for the sons of brothers and sisters. In these relations also, the sons of real, step and foster brothers and sisters are understood to be included.

 
ix. Women of acquaintance and Maids
 

It is evident from these words that unknown women should be treated the same way as men and a Muslim lady should be very careful in displaying her concealed ornaments before them. The reason is that this can result in both moral and financial afflictions, and in some cases a careless attitude in this regard may invite even graver dangers.

 
x. Slaves
 

The institution of slavery existed in Arabia in the times of the Prophet Muhammad (sws). The words used in the above quoted verse while referring to this institution areمَا مَلَكَتْ أَيْمَانُهُنَّ . Some jurists have understood this expression to only mean “slave-women”. However, there is no reason for this exception. Writes Imām Amīn Aḥsan Iṣlāḥī:

 

Had only slave-women been implied by this expression then the appropriate words would have beenاَوْ اَمَاءِهِنَّ . A common expression that connotes both slave-men and slave-women would never have been used. Moreover, the verses already mention the category which as, has been explained, includes both women with whom one is generally acquainted as well   as slave-women and maidservants. After a mention of this category, an independent mention of slave-women is needless.⁷⁶

 
xi. People who live in a house as dependents and because of their subservience or owing to any other reason are incapable of feeling any attraction towards women.
 
xii. Children who are as yet unaware of sexual matters.

 
The sūrah also mentions certain other clarifications regarding these norms.
 

Firstly, slave-men and women and sexually immature children who generally frequent a house are not required to take permission every time they enter private rooms. They are just required to seek permission in three particular times of the day: before the fajr prayer when the residents are generally in bed, during the nap in the afternoon when they may not be wearing proper clothes and after the ‘ishā prayer when they go off to bed for sleep. These three periods of time require privacy. If someone suddenly enters a private room in these times, he may see the residents in an inappropriate state. Barring these three times of the day, sexually immature children and slave-men and women can enter the private rooms and other areas of the house without taking any permission. This then cannot be objected to. However, in the above mentioned three times, they must seek permission when they want to enter a private room. Also, children of other houses, once they reach sexual maturity, must seek permission at all times. The fact that they have been frequenting the house ever since their childhood is not reason enough for them to continue with the exception granted to them. Consequently, once they reach this age, they must follow the regulations that pertain to all:

Believers! let your slave men and women and those who are under age ask your permission on three occasions when they come in to see you: before the fajr prayer, when you have put off your garments in the heat of noon and after the ‘ishā prayer. These are the three occasions when none may intrude upon your privacy. At other times, it shall be no offence for you or them, [because you] go around visiting one another. Thus God explains to you His verses and God is all-knowing and wise. And when your children reach the age of puberty, let them still ask your permission as their elders do. Thus God explains to you His verses and God is all-knowing and wise. (24:58-59)

Secondly, the directive of covering the chest and the neckline does not pertain to old women who are no longer of marriageable age on the condition that they their intention is not to display their ornaments. It is not necessary for a woman to cover her chest and neckline in the age in which she generally loses her sexual urge and in which a man feels no attraction for her. So, old women can dispense with the cloth that covers the stipulated area. However, what is more pleasing in the sight of Allah is that even in this age they be careful and not dispense with this garment:

And it shall be no sin for aged women who have no hope of marriage to discard their cloaks on the condition that they do not display their ornaments. Better if they do not discard them. God hears all and knows all. (24:60)

Thirdly, it is explained in these verses that there is absolutely no harm if people and their relatives who are disabled or impaired in any manner come and visit one another and whether men and women among them eat together or separately in their own houses, of their children’s, of their fathers’, mothers’, brothers’ and sisters’, of their paternal uncles’ and aunts’, maternal uncles’ and aunts’ and of people who are financially dependent on them. Indeed, when they enter such houses they must greet the residents in the prescribed way. The Muslim religious greeting (al-salāmu alaykum) is in fact a beautiful invocation to the Almighty to strengthen personal relationships. The norms of social interaction that are outlined in these verses are not meant to deprive people of mutual support or to curtail their social freedom. If people show prudence, they can maintain all these relationships even after following these norms. They must not think that these directives are meant to put them through difficulties. The Almighty does not intend to prohibit social interaction in any way:

There is no harm if the blind, the lame, and the sick eat at your table nor if you eat in the houses of your own children, your fathers’, your mothers’, your brothers’ and your sisters’, your paternal uncles’, your paternal aunts’, your maternal uncles’, your maternal aunts’, or your friends’ or of those who are [financially] dependent on you. There is no harm if men and women eat together or apart. [However, this much you should do that] when you enter a house, say “peace to you” – an invocation fixed by God, and let your greeting be devout and kindly. Thus God explains to you His revelations, so that you may grow in wisdom. (24:61)

Firstly, if they are fearful of the Almighty they should not be kind and affectionate in speech to every person who enters their house. Though in normal circumstances, one must be gentle and kind when he speaks to others, but, in the circumstances they are facing, such an attitude would only embolden the miscreants and the hypocrites around them to take undue advantage of them. Such an attitude of kindness would create in them the expectation of success in their mission – the mission of whispering evil in people’s hearts. So if ever they have to talk to such people they must speak in clear and simple tones so that those among their addressees who intend evil realize that they cannot achieve their objective. The Qur’ān says:

Wives of the Prophet, you are not like other women. So, if you fear God, do not be too complaisant in your speech, lest the lecherous-hearted should lust after you. Talk with such people in plain and simple words. (33:32)

Second, they should remain in their homes in order to protect their rank and status. All their attitudes and mannerism should be in accordance with the status that the Almighty has conferred upon them. So if they have to go out to meet some compelling need, they must not go out displaying their ornaments and finery – something which was the way of women of the age of ignorance. Both their status and responsibility entail that they remain in their houses and diligently pray and spend in the way of Allah as much as they can and with full sincerity spend their time in obedience to the Almighty and His Prophet (sws). However, if due to some unavoidable reason they must leave their place, then they should do so in the most befitting of manners exemplifying the culture and tradition of the Muslims and not let any hypocrite to even cast an aspersion on them:   

And abide still in your homes and do not display your finery as women used to do in the days of ignorance. Attend to your prayers, pay zakāh and obey God and His Messenger. O women of this house, the Almighty wants to cleanse you from the filth [these hypocrites want to besmear you with] and to fully purify you. (33:33)

Thirdly, they should try to communicate the verses of the Qur’ān as well as the beliefs and moral teachings of Islam to people who come and visit them and refrain from other general gossip. It is for this very objective that the Almighty has chosen them. Their purpose of life now is the dissemination of the message of Islam and not indulgence in the luxuries of life:

And Communicate [to your visitors] what is taught to you of the verses of God and the wisdom revealed by Him. The Almighty is very discerning and all-knowing. (33:34)

 
Muslims were told that no one should enter the house of the Prophet (sws) unless he was called. If people are invited to have food at the house of the Prophet (sws), they shall come right at the time of food. They shall then disperse immediately afterwards and not keep talking to one another.
 
The wives of the Prophet (sws) shall be secluded from the Muslims and except for near relatives and women of their acquaintance no one shall come in front of them. Any who wants something from their private places must ask for it from behind a veil.
 

 68. Bukhārī:No. 6245.
69. Bukhārī:No. 6241.
70. Bukhārī:No. 6343.
71. Abū Dā’ūd:No. 2149.
72. Muslim:No. 2159.
73. Bukhārī:No. 1513.
74. Zamakhsharī, Kashshāff, 1st ed., vol.3 (Beirut: Dār al-Aḥyā al-Turāth al-‘Arabī, 1997), 236.
75. Abū Dā’ūd:No. 7143.
76. Amīn Aḥsan Iṣlāḥī, Tadabbur-i Qur’ān, 2nd ed., vol. 5 (Lahore: Faran Foundation, 1986), 398.
77. Ibn Kathīr, Tafsīr al-Qur’ān al-Aẓīm, vol. 3 (Beirut: Dār al-Aḥyā wa al-Turāth al-‘Arabī, 1969), 518; Zamakhsharī, Kashshāff, 1st ed., vol.3 (Beirut: Dār al-Aḥyā al-Turāth al-‘Arabī, 1997), 569.
78. Bukhārī: No. 1088; Abū Dā’ūd: No. 5272.

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