March 11": Lamentations of a Sinner (Food for Thought)

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I became disillusioned in just one year. In one year of exposure to modern scholarship, I became disillusioned with what I had always held in the highest esteem: knowledge. How could something so hallowed in essence be so defiling for the soul at times? The realization that it could be was heart decimating. It was not an easy gulp to swallow. But the fact remains that knowledge without commitment to God is just another idol filled with intellectual filth. I have seen that without that commitment, even the scholars of the highest calibre can make the worst imaginable compromises just to buttress their image. But my disillusionment has little to do with the academic milieux of the lands beyond the ‘Kuh Kāf’¹. It has to do with my own self – with my own failings as a Muslim.

The only thing that I guess has happened here in the highly diverse and syncretic environment is a thorough expose of myself to me. And even underneath the atavist² veneer that I have worn for years with much care, I have found my inner self pretty hollow. Don’t let anyone ever fool you that imān³ is enhanced by knowledge. Knowledge does keep the accompanying emotions on the right track, and, therefore we are duty bound to do our best to seek it. But, at the end of the day, it is our sacrifices for our Lord that sustain, augment and fulfil our imān. It is that zest, that early euphoria, that joyous willingness to make sacrifices in His way that I find attenuated to a deplorable extent.

Over here, I have seen the Devil himself reciting the scripture for his own creed. And aye, he’s the scholar of  scholars. An accomplished virtuoso. Maestro par excellence. He is the Dark Prince alright. The Masīh Dajjāl⁴. Charming, glorious and downright charismatic: he stands tall, strong, invincible and at ease, like a Roman emperor, a hand on the hip and the  other extended for all – the good, the bad, the evil, the pious – to kiss in coveted or uncoveted submission. Some are lured by greed or pride, some are goaded by fear. And some are made to genuflect in their weakness. The emperor rules supreme. And thus the ‘system’ works. Anyone who has different ideas is left out in the cold to freeze. The only recourse for such a dissident: Stop thinking. Get on with life. Grow and prosper. Get accepted. Get accepted at Harvard. Get accepted at Yale. Get accepted at Princeton.  Get rejected from Jannah⁵? Think about that later. Better still, do not think at all.

‘If we can’t run in His way, we shall walk; if we can’t walk, we shall crawl; if we can’t crawl, we shall lie down in His way and keep looking towards Him’.

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